You Do Not Have to Be "Nice"
by Nia
Recently, a friend told me that she'd been getting to know a guy who kept making rape jokes. She didn't think they were funny or appropriate for their relationship, and asked him to stop. He kept going. She asked him to stop again. And now people have been telling her that she made him "sad" for "making a big deal over it." People have been telling her to "be nice."
Ladies of all ages, from the youngest teen reading this blog to the oldest, most experienced woman, let me tell you something important that you need to take to heart and remember every day of your lives:
You do not have to be "nice."
"Nice" has been force-fed to us since infancy. Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. You need be a nice girl with your friends on the playground. You need to be a nice girl to your little brother. You need to be a nice girl in high school, and you need to be modest so the boys will know you're nice. We need to be nice women, nice girlfriends, nice wives, nice mothers.
This is dangerous.
Don’t get me wrong: There’s nothing bad about being kind, or courteous, or polite, or likeable, or any of the other things suggested by the word “nice.” But it’s a word I don’t like much, because it’s been adopted as a general umbrella word that implies, “You have to be agreeable and make other people feel good, no matter what.” And the fact is, you don’t have to make other people feel good all the time. Sometimes, other people feeling good is not in anyone’s best interest.
"Nice" is the force that compels us to smile and laugh when a guy says something that isn't okay. "Nice" is what makes us agree to do favors for toxic people who bring us down. "Nice" is what keeps us from bringing up uncomfortable family issues with our loved ones when we need to talk in order to heal. "Nice" keeps us from saying, "You have to respect me." "Nice" keeps us quiet. "Nice" shuts us down.
When I was a teenager, a friend started stalking me. He would follow me around, text mutual friends to find out where I was, drive around town looking for me at my usual hangouts, show up at my house in the morning and hang around until after I went to bed, and constantly text asking if he could take me out or kiss me. He didn't seem to understand the word "no." I told him I wasn't interested and that I wanted him to stop, and the next day, he was back at it. I felt like I was going crazy, and was thrilled when he got his mission call. It meant he would leave me alone, and maybe, I thought, two years away would make him stop obsessing in such a creepy way.
He wrote me constantly during the first few months. After a while, mutual friends started making comments. "You're so mean," they'd say, half joking. "You should write him," one friend wrote to me from her mission after he'd written to her about my silence. "A mission is hard. He needs support right now." Everywhere, the message was the same. "Be nice. Stop making a big deal over it. You're normally such a nice girl." I felt guilty. Maybe I was just being a jerk, Maybe I needed to stop being mean and just write the poor boy already. But every time I started thinking that, another voice cropped up: the deep, wise voice that lives in my gut, the inner compass I was born with. Her message was clear: "He was harassing you. He disrespected you when you said 'no.' You do not have to make him feel that his inappropriate behavior was acceptable. You do not have to be 'nice.'"
Her message is for all of us. You do not have to be nice. You're better if you're kind, and you're better if you're respectful. But you are not required to be pleasant when you feel like something is wrong. You are not asked to smile and stay silent when someone touches you inappropriately, makes a passive-aggressive comment about you, or refuses to take you seriously. You do not have to keep your mouth shut when someone does something damaging for fear that you might offend or upset them. You do not have to ignore your inner wisdom because of all the voices telling you to be a nice girl. You do not have to be a nice girl.
Christ was not "nice." When people started selling things in the temple, he didn't sit back quietly because he might upset them. He got in the middle of things and told the merchants they needed to show a little respect. When people asked him who he thought he was, he told them he was the Son of God. When he was accused of being a criminal, he didn't say, "Sorry, I was totally joking about that Son of God thing. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable!" Sometimes he did keep quiet and let people hurt him, but it was not because he was being nice -- it was because be had a mission to perform and knew what he had to do. He was infinitely kind and infinitely compassionate, but it was not because he was trying to be a nice boy. It was because he focused in others and listened to the spiritual promptings that told him who to be. Christ never asked you to be nice. He asked you to follow him, and it's pretty clear that his example was rooted in something bigger, better, and more important than niceness.
You do not have to be a nice girl. But if you're reading this site, you are probably trying to be a Christlike woman. That doesn't require niceness. Sometimes, it doesn't even allow for it. Remember that next time you need to take a stand, to protect and respect yourself, your faith, or the people around you. You are already a kind, strong, loving, polite, respectful, faithful daughter of God. That's more than enough.
Ladies of all ages, from the youngest teen reading this blog to the oldest, most experienced woman, let me tell you something important that you need to take to heart and remember every day of your lives:
You do not have to be "nice."
"Nice" has been force-fed to us since infancy. Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. You need be a nice girl with your friends on the playground. You need to be a nice girl to your little brother. You need to be a nice girl in high school, and you need to be modest so the boys will know you're nice. We need to be nice women, nice girlfriends, nice wives, nice mothers.
This is dangerous.
Don’t get me wrong: There’s nothing bad about being kind, or courteous, or polite, or likeable, or any of the other things suggested by the word “nice.” But it’s a word I don’t like much, because it’s been adopted as a general umbrella word that implies, “You have to be agreeable and make other people feel good, no matter what.” And the fact is, you don’t have to make other people feel good all the time. Sometimes, other people feeling good is not in anyone’s best interest.
"Nice" is the force that compels us to smile and laugh when a guy says something that isn't okay. "Nice" is what makes us agree to do favors for toxic people who bring us down. "Nice" is what keeps us from bringing up uncomfortable family issues with our loved ones when we need to talk in order to heal. "Nice" keeps us from saying, "You have to respect me." "Nice" keeps us quiet. "Nice" shuts us down.
When I was a teenager, a friend started stalking me. He would follow me around, text mutual friends to find out where I was, drive around town looking for me at my usual hangouts, show up at my house in the morning and hang around until after I went to bed, and constantly text asking if he could take me out or kiss me. He didn't seem to understand the word "no." I told him I wasn't interested and that I wanted him to stop, and the next day, he was back at it. I felt like I was going crazy, and was thrilled when he got his mission call. It meant he would leave me alone, and maybe, I thought, two years away would make him stop obsessing in such a creepy way.
He wrote me constantly during the first few months. After a while, mutual friends started making comments. "You're so mean," they'd say, half joking. "You should write him," one friend wrote to me from her mission after he'd written to her about my silence. "A mission is hard. He needs support right now." Everywhere, the message was the same. "Be nice. Stop making a big deal over it. You're normally such a nice girl." I felt guilty. Maybe I was just being a jerk, Maybe I needed to stop being mean and just write the poor boy already. But every time I started thinking that, another voice cropped up: the deep, wise voice that lives in my gut, the inner compass I was born with. Her message was clear: "He was harassing you. He disrespected you when you said 'no.' You do not have to make him feel that his inappropriate behavior was acceptable. You do not have to be 'nice.'"
Her message is for all of us. You do not have to be nice. You're better if you're kind, and you're better if you're respectful. But you are not required to be pleasant when you feel like something is wrong. You are not asked to smile and stay silent when someone touches you inappropriately, makes a passive-aggressive comment about you, or refuses to take you seriously. You do not have to keep your mouth shut when someone does something damaging for fear that you might offend or upset them. You do not have to ignore your inner wisdom because of all the voices telling you to be a nice girl. You do not have to be a nice girl.
Christ was not "nice." When people started selling things in the temple, he didn't sit back quietly because he might upset them. He got in the middle of things and told the merchants they needed to show a little respect. When people asked him who he thought he was, he told them he was the Son of God. When he was accused of being a criminal, he didn't say, "Sorry, I was totally joking about that Son of God thing. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable!" Sometimes he did keep quiet and let people hurt him, but it was not because he was being nice -- it was because be had a mission to perform and knew what he had to do. He was infinitely kind and infinitely compassionate, but it was not because he was trying to be a nice boy. It was because he focused in others and listened to the spiritual promptings that told him who to be. Christ never asked you to be nice. He asked you to follow him, and it's pretty clear that his example was rooted in something bigger, better, and more important than niceness.
You do not have to be a nice girl. But if you're reading this site, you are probably trying to be a Christlike woman. That doesn't require niceness. Sometimes, it doesn't even allow for it. Remember that next time you need to take a stand, to protect and respect yourself, your faith, or the people around you. You are already a kind, strong, loving, polite, respectful, faithful daughter of God. That's more than enough.
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