Question: Wedding Night Nerves?!
"So I'm preparing for marriage and I am really nervous that I will be too scared for my wedding night. Do you have any tips on mental preparation for the actual wedding night and the time leading up to it? Also, I have always kinda wondered how things would go for that night. Like, you just enter your room with all your stuff, and then....what? Should you go to the bathroom to prepare? Like...I don't even have a clue of how to start! Any help?" - Uncertain
Answers:
"A friend's older sister refused to have sex until it was night, so they sat in the hotel room awkwardly for a few hours, just watching TV and waiting for it to get dark. I don't really have any advice for this sister, as my first encounter with sex was not in the process of consummating a marriage. But I do think that they should have a conversation about expectations and concerns. She should lay out boundaries like, 'I'm nervous about this. I just want to take my time this night and spend more time kissing and undressing slowly rather than jumping on in' or whatever she wants to have happen. It may be hard to have those conversations with her fiance, but I know that they make a huge difference." - J
"The greatest thing about your wedding night is that it's YOURS. Between you and your husband, you can decide on how the night goes. It may be helpful to go to a public place and have a conversation about all of these things, to work out the details--do you want time to shower, change clothes, etc? Do you want to wait until the next day? Or do you want to just drop your suitcases and peel off your wedding dress right there? All of these things are totally up to you guys. Communicating beforehand and knowing those details will help ease any anxiety. I know some people may frown on talking about sexuality before marriage, but it's important to address a few of these things before the wedding night (this is why a public place is sometimes a good idea). Also, check out our "How to Have Sex" article as well...there are some great tips if you're nervous." - Eden
"I'd add that it's totally okay to not have sex on your wedding night. Weddings are exhausting. There's a good chance that you're going to want nothing more than to snuggle up to your new husband and sleep for twelve hours. Definitely make a plan together... but also realize that plans may or may not work out depending on how you feel when the time comes. Just keep communicating. It can be awkward at first, but it really is true that the more you can talk about sex with your spouse, the more sexually connected you become. My mom said the best sex advice she ever got was 'Keep talking,' and I've found that to be true." - Nia
"Absolutely have a conversation about what your expectations are with your SO, but also be willing to let yourselves do what is comfortable. I would definitely recommend changing into something that allows you to feel sexy beforehand (most people change clothes before leaving their wedding reception and don't go to the hotel in their wedding dress, so this is a great time to do that, especially if you're newly endowed and probably feeling uncomfortable with garments). For my husband and I, who are both kind if control freaks, we had planned everything in the wedding ourselves without help from parents or bridesmaids or whatever, and we ran the show at our wedding reception as well and stayed pretty late taking care of things. When we were heading to the hotel, we were both pretty tired out and just needed some down time to do nothing, not head straight into another situation that, while exciting and amazing, is also stressful. So we agreed we wanted to take a break and we would have sex later in the evening when we WANTED to have sex, not when we felt like we should. We actually ended up going to a gas station and getting some soda, then watching basketball on TV for a while. But there wasn't anything awkward in that delay; it was perfectly normal and comfortable just like we normally hang out. And when we did end up doing the deed, it was truly a beautiful and amazing experience and not tainted with stress, exhaustion, or any sort if pressure or confusion.
As for learning to feel more comfortable about it, I think just reading more and educating yourself helps it become more normal. And thinking about how hugging is more enjoyable than holding hands, kissing than hugging, making out more than just a simple kiss--and that this is just a totally natural next step in that progression that doesn't need to have any more awkwardness than any of those other progressions, and will also make you feel even more amazing and connected, the same way each of those other steps did. If you're still uncomfortable, go watch some movies that have some steamy scenes in them--it doesn't have to be pornographic and it doesn't have to be R-rated, but a romance movie where people end up having sex and you get the steamy lead up to it and the after effects and such. Think about how excited those scenes make you feel and how much the people seem to enjoy it. This is something basically every person on the planet enjoys, and the same will be true for you. You'll need to talk with your husband continually as the two of you figure out what does and doesn't work so you can both have the best experience, but, as the saying goes, 'even bad sex is good sex.'" - K
"The greatest thing about your wedding night is that it's YOURS. Between you and your husband, you can decide on how the night goes. It may be helpful to go to a public place and have a conversation about all of these things, to work out the details--do you want time to shower, change clothes, etc? Do you want to wait until the next day? Or do you want to just drop your suitcases and peel off your wedding dress right there? All of these things are totally up to you guys. Communicating beforehand and knowing those details will help ease any anxiety. I know some people may frown on talking about sexuality before marriage, but it's important to address a few of these things before the wedding night (this is why a public place is sometimes a good idea). Also, check out our "How to Have Sex" article as well...there are some great tips if you're nervous." - Eden
"I'd add that it's totally okay to not have sex on your wedding night. Weddings are exhausting. There's a good chance that you're going to want nothing more than to snuggle up to your new husband and sleep for twelve hours. Definitely make a plan together... but also realize that plans may or may not work out depending on how you feel when the time comes. Just keep communicating. It can be awkward at first, but it really is true that the more you can talk about sex with your spouse, the more sexually connected you become. My mom said the best sex advice she ever got was 'Keep talking,' and I've found that to be true." - Nia
"Absolutely have a conversation about what your expectations are with your SO, but also be willing to let yourselves do what is comfortable. I would definitely recommend changing into something that allows you to feel sexy beforehand (most people change clothes before leaving their wedding reception and don't go to the hotel in their wedding dress, so this is a great time to do that, especially if you're newly endowed and probably feeling uncomfortable with garments). For my husband and I, who are both kind if control freaks, we had planned everything in the wedding ourselves without help from parents or bridesmaids or whatever, and we ran the show at our wedding reception as well and stayed pretty late taking care of things. When we were heading to the hotel, we were both pretty tired out and just needed some down time to do nothing, not head straight into another situation that, while exciting and amazing, is also stressful. So we agreed we wanted to take a break and we would have sex later in the evening when we WANTED to have sex, not when we felt like we should. We actually ended up going to a gas station and getting some soda, then watching basketball on TV for a while. But there wasn't anything awkward in that delay; it was perfectly normal and comfortable just like we normally hang out. And when we did end up doing the deed, it was truly a beautiful and amazing experience and not tainted with stress, exhaustion, or any sort if pressure or confusion.
As for learning to feel more comfortable about it, I think just reading more and educating yourself helps it become more normal. And thinking about how hugging is more enjoyable than holding hands, kissing than hugging, making out more than just a simple kiss--and that this is just a totally natural next step in that progression that doesn't need to have any more awkwardness than any of those other progressions, and will also make you feel even more amazing and connected, the same way each of those other steps did. If you're still uncomfortable, go watch some movies that have some steamy scenes in them--it doesn't have to be pornographic and it doesn't have to be R-rated, but a romance movie where people end up having sex and you get the steamy lead up to it and the after effects and such. Think about how excited those scenes make you feel and how much the people seem to enjoy it. This is something basically every person on the planet enjoys, and the same will be true for you. You'll need to talk with your husband continually as the two of you figure out what does and doesn't work so you can both have the best experience, but, as the saying goes, 'even bad sex is good sex.'" - K
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