Masturbation Within Marriage
by Eden
"I'm tired and you have hands." This was something a co-worker said the other night, when we were talking about when our husbands want to have sex and we don't. It was a funny thing to say, but it actually raises an important question about masturbation within marriage.
First of all, I am not a therapist, nor am I your ecclesiastical leader. I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do as part of your sex life. You don't even have to take this article as "encouraging you to masturbate." All I am doing here is sharing something that has been of value to me. Take it or leave it as you will.
A few months ago, my husband and I decided to do an experiment. We decided to allow ourselves and one another permission to masturbate without any attached guilt or shame. It seems fairly clear that masturbation before marriage is against the law of chastity, and we know that fantasizing or using pornography is a no-no, but there's not much out there when it comes to masturbation within marriage.
When I say masturbation within marriage, I mean bringing yourself to orgasm without the presence or assistance of your spouse. This is something that a lot of people may feel uncomfortable with, and that's okay.
We know that masturbation can be used compulsively, as a way to deal with negative emotions or stress. Some people take drugs, some obsess over eating behavior, some people spend money, and some people use pornography or masturbate. That's not okay, for several reasons, some more obvious than others. BUT, sometimes in the Church we assume that masturbation is ALWAYS used this way, when that's simply not the case. Masturbation is simply a very normal part of the human sexual experience. And giving yourself and your spouse permission to masturbate might be a powerful and uplifting practice. I know that sounds crazy, but here are my reasons:
1. The Church has no current statements on masturbation within marriage.
There have been times when Church leaders have made statements about what is and isn't okay between husband and wife. Today, the current revelation is that as long as the practice is free of pornography, non-consent, and/or other people, it's between the two of you and the Lord. But in all of the statements that exist from Church leaders, none of them say anything about masturbation.
2. It can help remove feelings of shame surrounding sexuality.
Simply by giving yourself and your spouse permission to masturbate can help you view sexuality in much more empowering ways. The Mormon culture can create a lot of shame surrounding sexual thoughts or feelings or experiences, and those don't just go away as soon as you get married. For some people, having permission to explore what it means to be sexual can be empowering, and give you much more confidence in the bedroom.
3. It can remove pressure from sexual experiences with your spouse.
This means both performance pressure and the pressure to have sex at all. My husband and I both always felt like, "Well, if I don't get them off, they're stuck!" It made me feel super guilty when he wanted to have sex and I didn't, and it stressed both of us out during sex because we knew that THIS EXPERIENCE is the only thing keeping the other from sexual frustration. It also made sex sometimes feel selfish, like "I've GOT to release all this sexual tension, and I know you're busy/tired/stressed, but come on!"
4. It allows you to relieve sexual tension in times when you can't have sexual experiences with your spouse.
Let's be realistic. We all probably lead busy lives, as do our spouses. There may be periods of time when you are "ships passing in the night" and there just ISN'T TIME to have meaningful, mutually fulfilling sexual experiences. I'm a believer in the occasional "quickie," just to tide you over, but sometimes, even that may not always be possible. Efforts can and should be made to share sexual intimacy with your spouse, but those times may not be as frequent as we'd like them to be.
5. It helps you learn about your body in a safe, guilt and pressure-free environment.
Let's get real here--sex in real life is not a whole lot like we imagined it when we were virgins. No one is a magical sexy mind-reader who knows exactly what you want to feel, so communication is key to a great sexual experience. But to tell the truth, many of us are not terribly familiar with our bodies. Masturbation gives us a chance to explore different sensations in a "pressure-free" environment. Of course, exploring these things WITH your spouse can also be awesome. But if you're feeling shy, sometimes it's helpful to learn about your body on your own, so that you can bring ideas to the table, or...er...bed.
When I was first thinking about this idea, I asked some of the other ladies here at Eternal Intimacy what they thought. Here are some of their ideas on the topic:
"When we take away the shame that comes with masturbation, it can really help problems in the bedroom. Intent when you do it is important though. If you are doing it to withhold sex from your spouse, obviously that's a problem. I think it all just comes to communication about it."
"I fully support experimenting with your body because if YOU don't know what feels good, why should your partner? There are boundaries though. I'm not saying go watch porn...I'm saying it's normal and healthy to know how your body responds. It can foster deeper intimacy."
"I imagine the main crux of the issue is whether it ultimately brings you closer or farther apart. If you're doing it because you or your spouse aren't in the mood, it keeps resentment from building up, which means a more loving marriage. And if you're learning about your body, that means better sex, which usually leads to a better marriage. If it starts to replace sex or it really bothers your spouse, that might be a problem, but otherwise, I think it's just another component of a healthy married sexual relationship."
"I think if both people are fine with it, then it's fine. If it's not hurting anyone emotionally, spiritually, or physically, i figure it's okay. A healthy sex life helps with keeping a marriage as a WHOLE healthy."
I know all of this sounds so irreverent and maybe a little bit shocking. And every couple has their own beliefs and practices. You should never do anything you feel uncomfortable with. But for one married Mormon lady, allowing masturbation has strengthened sexual intimacy with her spouse. Because it means that when my husband and I do come together for a sexual experience, we do so with something to share. Sex becomes something we give to each other freely and with no expectations. We approach sexuality as a consummation of whatever our relationship is at the moment, instead of with a need to be filled.
Go pray about it! Talk about it with your spouse! This may be something that you try and don't gain anything from, and that's okay. But it might also help you grow closer.
First of all, I am not a therapist, nor am I your ecclesiastical leader. I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do as part of your sex life. You don't even have to take this article as "encouraging you to masturbate." All I am doing here is sharing something that has been of value to me. Take it or leave it as you will.
A few months ago, my husband and I decided to do an experiment. We decided to allow ourselves and one another permission to masturbate without any attached guilt or shame. It seems fairly clear that masturbation before marriage is against the law of chastity, and we know that fantasizing or using pornography is a no-no, but there's not much out there when it comes to masturbation within marriage.
When I say masturbation within marriage, I mean bringing yourself to orgasm without the presence or assistance of your spouse. This is something that a lot of people may feel uncomfortable with, and that's okay.
We know that masturbation can be used compulsively, as a way to deal with negative emotions or stress. Some people take drugs, some obsess over eating behavior, some people spend money, and some people use pornography or masturbate. That's not okay, for several reasons, some more obvious than others. BUT, sometimes in the Church we assume that masturbation is ALWAYS used this way, when that's simply not the case. Masturbation is simply a very normal part of the human sexual experience. And giving yourself and your spouse permission to masturbate might be a powerful and uplifting practice. I know that sounds crazy, but here are my reasons:
1. The Church has no current statements on masturbation within marriage.
There have been times when Church leaders have made statements about what is and isn't okay between husband and wife. Today, the current revelation is that as long as the practice is free of pornography, non-consent, and/or other people, it's between the two of you and the Lord. But in all of the statements that exist from Church leaders, none of them say anything about masturbation.
2. It can help remove feelings of shame surrounding sexuality.
Simply by giving yourself and your spouse permission to masturbate can help you view sexuality in much more empowering ways. The Mormon culture can create a lot of shame surrounding sexual thoughts or feelings or experiences, and those don't just go away as soon as you get married. For some people, having permission to explore what it means to be sexual can be empowering, and give you much more confidence in the bedroom.
3. It can remove pressure from sexual experiences with your spouse.
This means both performance pressure and the pressure to have sex at all. My husband and I both always felt like, "Well, if I don't get them off, they're stuck!" It made me feel super guilty when he wanted to have sex and I didn't, and it stressed both of us out during sex because we knew that THIS EXPERIENCE is the only thing keeping the other from sexual frustration. It also made sex sometimes feel selfish, like "I've GOT to release all this sexual tension, and I know you're busy/tired/stressed, but come on!"
4. It allows you to relieve sexual tension in times when you can't have sexual experiences with your spouse.
Let's be realistic. We all probably lead busy lives, as do our spouses. There may be periods of time when you are "ships passing in the night" and there just ISN'T TIME to have meaningful, mutually fulfilling sexual experiences. I'm a believer in the occasional "quickie," just to tide you over, but sometimes, even that may not always be possible. Efforts can and should be made to share sexual intimacy with your spouse, but those times may not be as frequent as we'd like them to be.
5. It helps you learn about your body in a safe, guilt and pressure-free environment.
Let's get real here--sex in real life is not a whole lot like we imagined it when we were virgins. No one is a magical sexy mind-reader who knows exactly what you want to feel, so communication is key to a great sexual experience. But to tell the truth, many of us are not terribly familiar with our bodies. Masturbation gives us a chance to explore different sensations in a "pressure-free" environment. Of course, exploring these things WITH your spouse can also be awesome. But if you're feeling shy, sometimes it's helpful to learn about your body on your own, so that you can bring ideas to the table, or...er...bed.
When I was first thinking about this idea, I asked some of the other ladies here at Eternal Intimacy what they thought. Here are some of their ideas on the topic:
"When we take away the shame that comes with masturbation, it can really help problems in the bedroom. Intent when you do it is important though. If you are doing it to withhold sex from your spouse, obviously that's a problem. I think it all just comes to communication about it."
"I fully support experimenting with your body because if YOU don't know what feels good, why should your partner? There are boundaries though. I'm not saying go watch porn...I'm saying it's normal and healthy to know how your body responds. It can foster deeper intimacy."
"I imagine the main crux of the issue is whether it ultimately brings you closer or farther apart. If you're doing it because you or your spouse aren't in the mood, it keeps resentment from building up, which means a more loving marriage. And if you're learning about your body, that means better sex, which usually leads to a better marriage. If it starts to replace sex or it really bothers your spouse, that might be a problem, but otherwise, I think it's just another component of a healthy married sexual relationship."
"I think if both people are fine with it, then it's fine. If it's not hurting anyone emotionally, spiritually, or physically, i figure it's okay. A healthy sex life helps with keeping a marriage as a WHOLE healthy."
I know all of this sounds so irreverent and maybe a little bit shocking. And every couple has their own beliefs and practices. You should never do anything you feel uncomfortable with. But for one married Mormon lady, allowing masturbation has strengthened sexual intimacy with her spouse. Because it means that when my husband and I do come together for a sexual experience, we do so with something to share. Sex becomes something we give to each other freely and with no expectations. We approach sexuality as a consummation of whatever our relationship is at the moment, instead of with a need to be filled.
Go pray about it! Talk about it with your spouse! This may be something that you try and don't gain anything from, and that's okay. But it might also help you grow closer.
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