Getting Past the Good Girl
by Nia
Every time my marriage is struggling, I find the Good Girl fussing around somewhere. She's cleaning up clutter, scrubbing the back of the toilet, making dinner, taking care of everyone, and generally destroying things in her sweet, well-intentioned way.
Most of us have a Good Girl inside somewhere. She's the part of us that aspires to every stereotype of womanhood we ever heard was good. She's Molly Mormon meets That Nice Woman From Church Your Grandma Admired meets Martha Stewart meets your favorite LDS General Relief Society President.
She's close to the surface for some, and buried deep for others. And some people, strange as it seems to me, have a healthy, productive relationship with their Good Girl.
I, however, do not. You may not either, if any of this sounds familiar:
None of these things are bad by themselves. But the real hallmark of the Good
Girl is that she does them because she should. Maybe she actually wants to,
deep down. Maybe she doesn't. She has no idea, because she stopped listening to what she wants a long time ago and tries to shove down any feelings that crop up going, "Hey, you! You don't actually want this! You have desires and stuff, remember?"
The Good Girl can be pretty darn amazing, and she sure is on top of things. But let me tell you a secret: The Good Girl isn't that good of a wife.
Your husband fell in love with you, not your Good Girl. Maybe he likes some of the things your Good Girl does -- he may appreciate that you're always polite to his mom, for example, even if she secretly drives you up the wall -- but he's in love with the real you. There's a lot about the Good Girl to inspire admiration, but love? Passion? Intimacy? Those things belong to real humans who can be honest and vulnerable with each other, and the Good Girl is terrible at honesty and vulnerability.
Whenever I find my Good Girl hanging out, turning my anger into passive-aggression or compelling me to make a nutritious from-scratch dinner even when I know it'd be better to pop some burritos in the microwave and go snuggle my stressed-out man, I know my marriage is headed for a rocky patch. Luckily, though, the Good Girl can be tamed.
Here are a couple management tactics I've found useful:
1. Talk to her. Take a quiet moment and visualize your Good Girl. (Mine is named Heather. She has boring shoulder-length hair and wears modest and shapeless pastel button-up blouses.) Ask her what's up. Ask her why she wants you to do a certain thing or act a certain way. Actually listen. Then thank her for her advice. You don't have to take it... but I often find that once I've listened, she's usually content to let me do my own thing without too much interference. Like me, she often just wants to be listened to.
2. Get in touch with your true desires. I use this journaling exercise when I'm really stuck. Sit down with a piece of paper or word processing program and write or type this question: "What do I want?" (or "what do you want?", if that works better for you). On the next line, answer it. On the next line, write the exact same question again: "What do I want?" Answer it. "What do I want?" Answer. "What do I want?" Answer. Keep going until you feel a click, or a zing, or some other sensation that says, "Yes. This." Congratulations: You've found a true desire. You don't have to act on it right away (though that would be awesome). Just know it's there.
Another good question to ask is "How do I feel?" Answer. "Why?" Answer. "Why?" Answer. "Why?" Answer. "How do I feel?" Answer. "Why?" Keep alternating between these two questions, and keep going till you get that feeling that says, "Ah!"
3. Go do something subversive. Common advice from women's magazines says: "Think of something selfish that you want, and then go get it!" It's a good idea... but usually, the first ideas that pop up aren't that great. ("I'm going to go eat a whole chocolate cake!" sounds cool at first, but if you really listen to your body, you'll probably find it's going, "Um, hi, I like cake, but that much sugar freaks me out. We should get a smoothie, yeah?") What I find actually helpful is to find something that I want, and that I've wanted for a while but have been denying myself because I "shouldn't" or "can't." This is stuff the Good Girl objects to:
Me: "I want to throw out my entire wardrobe and replace it with funky clothes I find at thrift stores and garage sales!"
Good Girl: "Our clothes are fine. We don't need to spend money being frivolous. Besides, I don't think we'd be comfortable wearing more 'interesting' clothes."
Me: "I want to cut my hair really short and dye the tips green!"
Good Girl: "Stop acting like an adolescent punk rocker. You'll never get a job."
Me: "I want to dig up my entire backyard and put in a ginormous flower garden!"
Good Girl: "If we're going to do that, it had better be vegetables. And then we should can them for our food storage."
She's a spoilsport. (Which is one reason she messes with my marriage so much!) But she's not in charge, and this is a good way to show her. Find something you want that she objects to. If you have several things, pick the smallest and least intimidating on the list, and then go do it. It's going to be scary. You're going to be fighting with yourself the whole time. Do it anyway. It's going to feel awesome when you're done. Or maybe it'll feel terrible, and maybe she'll be outraged that you did something so crazy. In that case, use tactic #1 up there. Let her talk it out. Then keep being brave and doing stuff that's more about you and less about who you think you should be.
There's no sure-fire way to get rid of the Good Girl forever, and that's probably a good thing -- she does have a purpose, and I'm grateful for her perfectionism and guilt trips on those days when being polite and productive something I can't handle on my own. But she shouldn't be in charge all the time. Noticing when she's creeping in and taking over makes it that much easier to take the reins back, and I find that the more I do this, the easier it becomes, and the happier my marriage is.
What about your Good Girl? Is she a help? A hindrance? A little bit of both? How do you deal with her? Let us know in the comments, and remember: You can be completely anonymous.
Most of us have a Good Girl inside somewhere. She's the part of us that aspires to every stereotype of womanhood we ever heard was good. She's Molly Mormon meets That Nice Woman From Church Your Grandma Admired meets Martha Stewart meets your favorite LDS General Relief Society President.
She's close to the surface for some, and buried deep for others. And some people, strange as it seems to me, have a healthy, productive relationship with their Good Girl.
I, however, do not. You may not either, if any of this sounds familiar:
- You lose your temper at family members because they want attention when you're cleaning or cooking... and then you feel guilty for snapping at them and beat yourself up over it for the next three days.
- You feel uncomfortable going to anyone's house without bringing a plate of cookies.
- You do everything yourself and refuse help, even when you need it.
- You avoid letting your husband know when you're stressed or angry.
- You try not to let anyone know when you're angry, because anger is bad.
- Sex feels dirty, and it's only for making babies or keeping your husband happy.
- You'll do anything to avoid rocking the boat.
- You get upset when you aren't perfect.
- Whenever anyone asks where you want to eat or what movie you want to see, you answer, "Whatever you want -- I'm fine with anything!" and then convince yourself you meant it.
- You try to forget, ignore, or hide your failings, mistakes, and bad decisions, and get nervous and embarrassed at the thought of people in your ward finding out about them.
- You are always polite. Always. Even when it means letting people walk all over you.
- You have a smile on your face and act happy, whether you feel happy or not.
None of these things are bad by themselves. But the real hallmark of the Good
Girl is that she does them because she should. Maybe she actually wants to,
deep down. Maybe she doesn't. She has no idea, because she stopped listening to what she wants a long time ago and tries to shove down any feelings that crop up going, "Hey, you! You don't actually want this! You have desires and stuff, remember?"
The Good Girl can be pretty darn amazing, and she sure is on top of things. But let me tell you a secret: The Good Girl isn't that good of a wife.
Your husband fell in love with you, not your Good Girl. Maybe he likes some of the things your Good Girl does -- he may appreciate that you're always polite to his mom, for example, even if she secretly drives you up the wall -- but he's in love with the real you. There's a lot about the Good Girl to inspire admiration, but love? Passion? Intimacy? Those things belong to real humans who can be honest and vulnerable with each other, and the Good Girl is terrible at honesty and vulnerability.
Whenever I find my Good Girl hanging out, turning my anger into passive-aggression or compelling me to make a nutritious from-scratch dinner even when I know it'd be better to pop some burritos in the microwave and go snuggle my stressed-out man, I know my marriage is headed for a rocky patch. Luckily, though, the Good Girl can be tamed.
Here are a couple management tactics I've found useful:
1. Talk to her. Take a quiet moment and visualize your Good Girl. (Mine is named Heather. She has boring shoulder-length hair and wears modest and shapeless pastel button-up blouses.) Ask her what's up. Ask her why she wants you to do a certain thing or act a certain way. Actually listen. Then thank her for her advice. You don't have to take it... but I often find that once I've listened, she's usually content to let me do my own thing without too much interference. Like me, she often just wants to be listened to.
2. Get in touch with your true desires. I use this journaling exercise when I'm really stuck. Sit down with a piece of paper or word processing program and write or type this question: "What do I want?" (or "what do you want?", if that works better for you). On the next line, answer it. On the next line, write the exact same question again: "What do I want?" Answer it. "What do I want?" Answer. "What do I want?" Answer. Keep going until you feel a click, or a zing, or some other sensation that says, "Yes. This." Congratulations: You've found a true desire. You don't have to act on it right away (though that would be awesome). Just know it's there.
Another good question to ask is "How do I feel?" Answer. "Why?" Answer. "Why?" Answer. "Why?" Answer. "How do I feel?" Answer. "Why?" Keep alternating between these two questions, and keep going till you get that feeling that says, "Ah!"
3. Go do something subversive. Common advice from women's magazines says: "Think of something selfish that you want, and then go get it!" It's a good idea... but usually, the first ideas that pop up aren't that great. ("I'm going to go eat a whole chocolate cake!" sounds cool at first, but if you really listen to your body, you'll probably find it's going, "Um, hi, I like cake, but that much sugar freaks me out. We should get a smoothie, yeah?") What I find actually helpful is to find something that I want, and that I've wanted for a while but have been denying myself because I "shouldn't" or "can't." This is stuff the Good Girl objects to:
Me: "I want to throw out my entire wardrobe and replace it with funky clothes I find at thrift stores and garage sales!"
Good Girl: "Our clothes are fine. We don't need to spend money being frivolous. Besides, I don't think we'd be comfortable wearing more 'interesting' clothes."
Me: "I want to cut my hair really short and dye the tips green!"
Good Girl: "Stop acting like an adolescent punk rocker. You'll never get a job."
Me: "I want to dig up my entire backyard and put in a ginormous flower garden!"
Good Girl: "If we're going to do that, it had better be vegetables. And then we should can them for our food storage."
She's a spoilsport. (Which is one reason she messes with my marriage so much!) But she's not in charge, and this is a good way to show her. Find something you want that she objects to. If you have several things, pick the smallest and least intimidating on the list, and then go do it. It's going to be scary. You're going to be fighting with yourself the whole time. Do it anyway. It's going to feel awesome when you're done. Or maybe it'll feel terrible, and maybe she'll be outraged that you did something so crazy. In that case, use tactic #1 up there. Let her talk it out. Then keep being brave and doing stuff that's more about you and less about who you think you should be.
There's no sure-fire way to get rid of the Good Girl forever, and that's probably a good thing -- she does have a purpose, and I'm grateful for her perfectionism and guilt trips on those days when being polite and productive something I can't handle on my own. But she shouldn't be in charge all the time. Noticing when she's creeping in and taking over makes it that much easier to take the reins back, and I find that the more I do this, the easier it becomes, and the happier my marriage is.
What about your Good Girl? Is she a help? A hindrance? A little bit of both? How do you deal with her? Let us know in the comments, and remember: You can be completely anonymous.
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