What's Okay in My Bedroom?
by Nia
A few years ago, I watched the film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Jesus Christ Superstar. I thought it was weird and intriguing, from its humanized portrayal of Christ to its subtextual commentary on the revival of Christianity among youth.
A few days later, I saw a musically-inclined friend who usually had interesting perspectives on musical theatre. "Hey," I said. "Have you ever seen Jesus Christ Superstar?"
Her response was immediate and intense. She drew herself up and her voice took on an an indignant tone. "I would never watch something that makes so light of that name!" she said.
Sex is kind of like that. Something that looks interesting and reasonable to you may freak your spouse out, and vice-versa. Things you hear about in pop culture (Fifty Shades, anyone?) may strike you as weird and even abhorrent, even as your friends rave about the sexual ideas they present. Something your best friend enjoys with her husband -- maybe roleplaying or a little light bondage -- may make you uncomfortable and worried for her eternal soul, while something else you enjoy is something she wouldn't try in a million years.
And that's all okay. It's pretty normal, actually.
Just because something makes you or your spouse or your best friend's dentist's sister's nephew uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong. Doesn't mean it's right, either. It just means it's maybe not for you.
The church has said very little about what sexual acts are appropriate within a marriage. Early prophetic counsel included these words from the First Presidency in 1905, under the prophet Joseph F. Smith:
[T]he Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has formulated no special rules governing the associations of married people. . . . [A]s to their mutual conduct in the marital relation, so far as sexual intercourse is concerned, they are left entirely free.
Later, Joseph Fielding Smith echoed this sentiment when he said, in response to a sister's question about what was appropriate in the bedroom:
The Brethren feel that the question which you raise is such as should be answered by you and your husband and in accordance with your own convictions. The Church has never believed it necessary to issue instructions pertaining to intimate relations between husband and wife.
Decades later, however, the First Presidency under Spencer W. Kimball took a different stance, and said in a 1982 letter to bishops and stake presidents:
The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.
And then a few years after that, another letter came down the line advising bishops and stake presidents to stick to the questions in the Handbook of Instructions during worthiness interviews and "never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving a man and his wife," with no mention or oral sex or other specific acts.
So where does that leave all of us when it comes to figuring out what's okay in our bedrooms and what should be avoided?
When I was a teenager, a wonderful Seminary teacher gave me this advice: "Whenever you're confused about policies, look to the principles. Whenever you're confused about principles, look to the doctrine."
So do that here, using oral sex as a case study:
Policies: No official policy on church records. The First Presidency of 1982 said that they determined oral sex was "unnatural, impure, or unholy." They didn't tell members that they were required to agree with that interpretation, though many members understand that to be implied. They explicitly told members to discontinue practices that trouble them enough to ask about them. More recent counsel has avoided the subject of oral sex (and other specifics), while the advice that a couple should discontinue any act that feels unnatural or wrong has been repeated, including by Boyd K. Packer in a 1992 BYU address.
Principles: The principles involved are basic, universal, and easy to find. Looking at a handful of quotes from scriptures, prophets, and church publications, it's clear that sex is supposed to 1) facilitate procreation, and 2) express and reinforce love, intimacy, and commitment. Many prophets have also advised that sex between a married couple should be guided by a righteous, respectful attitude toward one another.
Doctrine: Applicable doctrines include the belief that marriage is eternal and important, that children should be born within marriage, and that a person can only progress to the highest levels of spirituality when they are sealed to a spouse.
Conclusion:
Drumroll, please...
You decide.
And that's the point. In that BYU address I mentioned above, President Packer said, "We do not, in our counseling, enter the bedrooms of members of the Church." The church doesn't make official policies about what sexual acts are appropriate, and neither should bishops or stake presidents. What happens in our bedrooms is up to us, and we're supposed to prayerfully make our own decisions about sexual matters, from oral sex to birth control. You may decide that oral sex feels demeaning, or impersonal, or otherwise wrong for you. As for me and my house, we think it's a great bonding activity and a whole lotta fun. The thing is, we're both right, so long as we're sticking to our convictions and doing our best to respect and love our spouses.
What's uncomfortable to one person may be natural to another, just like how Jesus Christ Superstar seemed blasphemous to my friend and merely thought-provoking to me. There's no official statement there, either. We're blessed with agency to make our own decisions. Sex is private and intimate, and its parameters in your relationship are meant to be set by you as a couple. You may have to find middle ground when your opinions diverge, and learn to love your spouse even if he has weird ideas of what counts as lingerie or absolutely refuses to allow whipped cream in the bedroom.
But isn't that what marriage is about? Compromise, communication, and creating the unique color and tone of the relationship together?
So what's okay? Whatever you decide -- together.
A few days later, I saw a musically-inclined friend who usually had interesting perspectives on musical theatre. "Hey," I said. "Have you ever seen Jesus Christ Superstar?"
Her response was immediate and intense. She drew herself up and her voice took on an an indignant tone. "I would never watch something that makes so light of that name!" she said.
Sex is kind of like that. Something that looks interesting and reasonable to you may freak your spouse out, and vice-versa. Things you hear about in pop culture (Fifty Shades, anyone?) may strike you as weird and even abhorrent, even as your friends rave about the sexual ideas they present. Something your best friend enjoys with her husband -- maybe roleplaying or a little light bondage -- may make you uncomfortable and worried for her eternal soul, while something else you enjoy is something she wouldn't try in a million years.
And that's all okay. It's pretty normal, actually.
Just because something makes you or your spouse or your best friend's dentist's sister's nephew uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong. Doesn't mean it's right, either. It just means it's maybe not for you.
The church has said very little about what sexual acts are appropriate within a marriage. Early prophetic counsel included these words from the First Presidency in 1905, under the prophet Joseph F. Smith:
[T]he Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has formulated no special rules governing the associations of married people. . . . [A]s to their mutual conduct in the marital relation, so far as sexual intercourse is concerned, they are left entirely free.
Later, Joseph Fielding Smith echoed this sentiment when he said, in response to a sister's question about what was appropriate in the bedroom:
The Brethren feel that the question which you raise is such as should be answered by you and your husband and in accordance with your own convictions. The Church has never believed it necessary to issue instructions pertaining to intimate relations between husband and wife.
Decades later, however, the First Presidency under Spencer W. Kimball took a different stance, and said in a 1982 letter to bishops and stake presidents:
The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.
And then a few years after that, another letter came down the line advising bishops and stake presidents to stick to the questions in the Handbook of Instructions during worthiness interviews and "never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving a man and his wife," with no mention or oral sex or other specific acts.
So where does that leave all of us when it comes to figuring out what's okay in our bedrooms and what should be avoided?
When I was a teenager, a wonderful Seminary teacher gave me this advice: "Whenever you're confused about policies, look to the principles. Whenever you're confused about principles, look to the doctrine."
So do that here, using oral sex as a case study:
Policies: No official policy on church records. The First Presidency of 1982 said that they determined oral sex was "unnatural, impure, or unholy." They didn't tell members that they were required to agree with that interpretation, though many members understand that to be implied. They explicitly told members to discontinue practices that trouble them enough to ask about them. More recent counsel has avoided the subject of oral sex (and other specifics), while the advice that a couple should discontinue any act that feels unnatural or wrong has been repeated, including by Boyd K. Packer in a 1992 BYU address.
Principles: The principles involved are basic, universal, and easy to find. Looking at a handful of quotes from scriptures, prophets, and church publications, it's clear that sex is supposed to 1) facilitate procreation, and 2) express and reinforce love, intimacy, and commitment. Many prophets have also advised that sex between a married couple should be guided by a righteous, respectful attitude toward one another.
Doctrine: Applicable doctrines include the belief that marriage is eternal and important, that children should be born within marriage, and that a person can only progress to the highest levels of spirituality when they are sealed to a spouse.
Conclusion:
Drumroll, please...
You decide.
And that's the point. In that BYU address I mentioned above, President Packer said, "We do not, in our counseling, enter the bedrooms of members of the Church." The church doesn't make official policies about what sexual acts are appropriate, and neither should bishops or stake presidents. What happens in our bedrooms is up to us, and we're supposed to prayerfully make our own decisions about sexual matters, from oral sex to birth control. You may decide that oral sex feels demeaning, or impersonal, or otherwise wrong for you. As for me and my house, we think it's a great bonding activity and a whole lotta fun. The thing is, we're both right, so long as we're sticking to our convictions and doing our best to respect and love our spouses.
What's uncomfortable to one person may be natural to another, just like how Jesus Christ Superstar seemed blasphemous to my friend and merely thought-provoking to me. There's no official statement there, either. We're blessed with agency to make our own decisions. Sex is private and intimate, and its parameters in your relationship are meant to be set by you as a couple. You may have to find middle ground when your opinions diverge, and learn to love your spouse even if he has weird ideas of what counts as lingerie or absolutely refuses to allow whipped cream in the bedroom.
But isn't that what marriage is about? Compromise, communication, and creating the unique color and tone of the relationship together?
So what's okay? Whatever you decide -- together.
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