What To Do If You've Broken the Law of Chastity
We know that no one’s perfect. Your Heavenly Father loves you, and He will give you the courage to face and overcome your anything you may need to repent of. The Atonement is a mighty force, and through it, you can be washed clean of all of your sins.
We won’t go through the doctrinal process of repentance here…you can find that at lds.org. Here we’ll review the practical steps of repentance, and what to expect as you go through this process.
Step One: Tell someone.
If you are a teen or still living at home, your parents may be the best choice. However, if this is not an option for you, tell a trusted leader or a close friend. This is probably the scariest step of the repentance process, and it can be hard to say things out loud. But have courage. Be specific about what happened if you can. Have them help you through the next steps. You may be surprised at how much love and support you receive, and how good it feels to say things out loud.
Step Two: Make an appointment with the bishop.
This is another scary step, but you can do it! Find out the phone number and name of the executive secretary in your ward. Give them a call, and all you have to do is say, “I need to make an appointment with the bishop.” If they ask you what about, just say, “It’s personal,” and they should respect your privacy. They’ll set an appointment for you to meet with the bishop.
Step Three: Speak to the bishop.
The bishop has a sacred calling to help you come unto Christ. Every bishop is different, and your experience speaking with him may vary. Remember that even though their calling is a divine one, all bishops are still just mortal men. Some may not be emotionally equipped to deal with whatever you’re going through. Forgive them for their shortcomings, and remember that it’s through Christ that you can be made clean, not through the bishop. Here’s what to expect when you visit with the bishop:
Depending on your bishop and your situation, you may be allowed to have a loved one with you while you meet with the bishop, if that makes you more comfortable.
He will welcome you into his office and close the door. Everything you talk about is completely confidential.
He will ask you what you would like to speak to him about. This is another scary moment, but you can do it! Saying things out loud is a huge part of overcoming them. Be as specific as you can. This can be difficult and scary, but it will help the bishop understand what’s going on and equip him to help you.
After you’ve told the bishop what happened, he may ask you for clarifying details. A few common questions are how long ago the sin happened and how often it’s happened. (It is inappropriate for a Bishop to ask for explicit details like what you were wearing at the time, and whether or not you had an orgasm. If your bishop asks those questions and you don't feel comfortable answering, you can simply say, "That's not important.")
The bishop may then spend some time talking about the Atonement and what you need to do next in the repentance process. He may ask you to refrain from taking the sacrament or attending the temple for a certain amount of time. Depending on the nature of the sin, he may release you from your calling. You also may be unable to give talks or prayers in church services for a little while. You may be worried about other people think, but don’t let it stop you. Your spiritual life is between you and the Lord. If people ask you about it, just say something like, “I just need to take some time to work through a few things” and leave it at that.
The bishop may want to meet with you periodically for the next few months to check in and see how things are going. Remember that he loves you, and the Savior loves you, and that the entire process is in place not to condemn you, but to give you the tools to overcome.
Step Four: Seek additional help if necessary.
If you are dealing with a compulsion or addiction to masturbation or pornography, it may be helpful to seek additional help from a counselor or group. LDS Family Services provides free group sessions for women dealing with these addictions, and the BYU-Idaho Counseling Center website has some great resources here. If you are having trouble overcoming shame, speaking with a counselor through LDS Family Services can be helpful. There is a small fee for this service, since the counselors are professionally certified. Setting up appointments with an LDS Family Services Counselor is done through your bishop—contact him if you’re interested.
Step Five: Pray, remember you are not alone, and start to let go.
Throughout this entire process, don’t be afraid to go to your Heavenly Father in prayer. It may be difficult at first, but remember that people whose sins were much greater than yours have been forgiven. Remember that you are not alone in your experiences. Because they aren’t public experiences, you may feel isolated, or like you are the only one in your ward or stake who has ever committed this sin. But realistically, more people than you may realize have dealt with sexual sin. Almost every teenage boy and the majority of teenage girls have had experiences with masturbation, pornography is hard to escape, and it’s hard to avoid the traps of sexual sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. So start to let go. You are not “damaged goods,” or incapable of being redeemed, or unworthy of a future temple marriage someday. Satan wants you to believe that you must be forever “tainted” by your experiences, and that your past must forever rule your future. But this is not true. The Atonement has immense power, and it can redeem you from anything you do.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are raped, sexually abused, or have anything done to your body without your permission, you are not guilty of sin. If you have experienced any of these things, it’s common to feel like it’s your fault, to feel guilt or shame, or to be afraid to tell someone. You may be afraid of legal proceedings, public exposure, or blame. But you have a right to the healing that can begin as you tell someone what happened. It’s scary, but find someone to tell, whether it be a parent, leader, teacher, or friend. They will help you start to heal. You are not alone. If you did not know something was a sin, and did something in ignorance, you are also innocent. If it helps you feel greater peace, you can still speak to the bishop or a parent about it. For more resources on how to begin to overcome sexual abuse, visit overcomingsexualabuse.com.
We won’t go through the doctrinal process of repentance here…you can find that at lds.org. Here we’ll review the practical steps of repentance, and what to expect as you go through this process.
Step One: Tell someone.
If you are a teen or still living at home, your parents may be the best choice. However, if this is not an option for you, tell a trusted leader or a close friend. This is probably the scariest step of the repentance process, and it can be hard to say things out loud. But have courage. Be specific about what happened if you can. Have them help you through the next steps. You may be surprised at how much love and support you receive, and how good it feels to say things out loud.
Step Two: Make an appointment with the bishop.
This is another scary step, but you can do it! Find out the phone number and name of the executive secretary in your ward. Give them a call, and all you have to do is say, “I need to make an appointment with the bishop.” If they ask you what about, just say, “It’s personal,” and they should respect your privacy. They’ll set an appointment for you to meet with the bishop.
Step Three: Speak to the bishop.
The bishop has a sacred calling to help you come unto Christ. Every bishop is different, and your experience speaking with him may vary. Remember that even though their calling is a divine one, all bishops are still just mortal men. Some may not be emotionally equipped to deal with whatever you’re going through. Forgive them for their shortcomings, and remember that it’s through Christ that you can be made clean, not through the bishop. Here’s what to expect when you visit with the bishop:
Depending on your bishop and your situation, you may be allowed to have a loved one with you while you meet with the bishop, if that makes you more comfortable.
He will welcome you into his office and close the door. Everything you talk about is completely confidential.
He will ask you what you would like to speak to him about. This is another scary moment, but you can do it! Saying things out loud is a huge part of overcoming them. Be as specific as you can. This can be difficult and scary, but it will help the bishop understand what’s going on and equip him to help you.
After you’ve told the bishop what happened, he may ask you for clarifying details. A few common questions are how long ago the sin happened and how often it’s happened. (It is inappropriate for a Bishop to ask for explicit details like what you were wearing at the time, and whether or not you had an orgasm. If your bishop asks those questions and you don't feel comfortable answering, you can simply say, "That's not important.")
The bishop may then spend some time talking about the Atonement and what you need to do next in the repentance process. He may ask you to refrain from taking the sacrament or attending the temple for a certain amount of time. Depending on the nature of the sin, he may release you from your calling. You also may be unable to give talks or prayers in church services for a little while. You may be worried about other people think, but don’t let it stop you. Your spiritual life is between you and the Lord. If people ask you about it, just say something like, “I just need to take some time to work through a few things” and leave it at that.
The bishop may want to meet with you periodically for the next few months to check in and see how things are going. Remember that he loves you, and the Savior loves you, and that the entire process is in place not to condemn you, but to give you the tools to overcome.
Step Four: Seek additional help if necessary.
If you are dealing with a compulsion or addiction to masturbation or pornography, it may be helpful to seek additional help from a counselor or group. LDS Family Services provides free group sessions for women dealing with these addictions, and the BYU-Idaho Counseling Center website has some great resources here. If you are having trouble overcoming shame, speaking with a counselor through LDS Family Services can be helpful. There is a small fee for this service, since the counselors are professionally certified. Setting up appointments with an LDS Family Services Counselor is done through your bishop—contact him if you’re interested.
Step Five: Pray, remember you are not alone, and start to let go.
Throughout this entire process, don’t be afraid to go to your Heavenly Father in prayer. It may be difficult at first, but remember that people whose sins were much greater than yours have been forgiven. Remember that you are not alone in your experiences. Because they aren’t public experiences, you may feel isolated, or like you are the only one in your ward or stake who has ever committed this sin. But realistically, more people than you may realize have dealt with sexual sin. Almost every teenage boy and the majority of teenage girls have had experiences with masturbation, pornography is hard to escape, and it’s hard to avoid the traps of sexual sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. So start to let go. You are not “damaged goods,” or incapable of being redeemed, or unworthy of a future temple marriage someday. Satan wants you to believe that you must be forever “tainted” by your experiences, and that your past must forever rule your future. But this is not true. The Atonement has immense power, and it can redeem you from anything you do.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are raped, sexually abused, or have anything done to your body without your permission, you are not guilty of sin. If you have experienced any of these things, it’s common to feel like it’s your fault, to feel guilt or shame, or to be afraid to tell someone. You may be afraid of legal proceedings, public exposure, or blame. But you have a right to the healing that can begin as you tell someone what happened. It’s scary, but find someone to tell, whether it be a parent, leader, teacher, or friend. They will help you start to heal. You are not alone. If you did not know something was a sin, and did something in ignorance, you are also innocent. If it helps you feel greater peace, you can still speak to the bishop or a parent about it. For more resources on how to begin to overcome sexual abuse, visit overcomingsexualabuse.com.
Please be respectful and kind in the comments--we want to keep Eternal Intimacy a safe space! Disrespectful or unkind comments will be deleted.
The comment box will ask for your name, but you are welcome to simply put "anonymous."
The comment box will ask for your name, but you are welcome to simply put "anonymous."