Question: How do I orgasm with my husband?
So, I can't orgasm. I mean, I can... but not with my partner. After years of no orgasm during sex I finally taught myself to masturbate and now can pretty well get the job done. But with my partner, it's like I have some kind of mental block or something. I thoroughly enjoy sex, but it's not an orgasmic pleasure. It's very pleasurable, physically and emotionally, but a divergent path on the pleasure trail. It never gets to that place where it starts to build, like a sneeze. You know what I mean? My partner is loving, willing, adventurous, patient, willing to try anything, but I have never been able to achieve orgasm with him. I can only imagine it's a mental block of some sort, and I have no idea what to do about it. Help a sister out?
Hi, sister! Here are some of our suggestions. We do want to remind you that we're not doctors or therapists or even experts...just a few women who are passionate about sex education. If you're still struggling after trying some of these tips, we encourage you to turn to an expert who has more education than we do!
Answers:
"Do you use a vibrator to orgasm? Maybe let him use that on you? Though I have also heard that it's possible to get used to that kind of stimulation and then it makes it more difficult to orgasm without it.
I will say that I have noticed that there's a lot of mental in my orgasms too and I'd guess that many women are the same way. I've had to start telling myself 'it's ok if I don't orgasm this time' and that helps take the pressure off myself to do it. The other thing I've found that helps is sometimes just sitting back and letting everything I'm feeling come over me, I get really concerned that if I'm not doing something he's not having a good time. And that's not always the case. If I make a conscious effort to really experience what I'm feeling it helps me get it of my head instead of being like 'oh this is nice and once I'm done I have to go to the grocery store...' Ya know? Good luck and happy experimenting!"
- C
"I'm sure you've tried several things but maybe a little extra foreplay and tongue action would help. Not all women orgasm during sex. Most women don't actually.
Try to let go of everything. Maybe try a massage to relax some and get you more in the mood. Vibrators do tend to help quite a bit but your body can get used to that."
- S
"Could it be that you feel self-conscious orgasming with someone else, or are mentally somewhere else when you're having sex? I've found that occasionally my thoughts will wander exactly like C mentioned: 'This feels nice... I need to remember to get the laundry started... uh-oh, I hope he's not bored because I'm just lying here enjoying things... ooh, that felt good... crap, I forgot to pick up my prescription... am I touching him the way he likes?...' and on and on. Even if your husband is perfect and you're turned on, it's still sometimes hard to corral the seventeen million thoughts going through your mind.
I've found that masturbating myself during sex sometimes helps with this. I know EXACTLY how I like to be touched -- not just generally, but specifically in that moment -- and masturbating gives me a task to focus on so my mind can't wander. It's relaxing, too, because it's ME, so I don't have to worry whether I'm touching myself in the way I'm craving or whether I'm having a good time, the way I sometimes do when pleasuring my husband. (Hi, anxiety! No one invited you!) Focusing on my pleasure and relaxing both make it much easier to orgasm... and my husband doesn't seem to mind, because 1) I'm having a grand old time, which he loves, and 2) with a little practice, you can kinda stimulate yourself AND your husband's penis inside you at the same time, which makes my husband craaaaazy. (I mean, don't worry about that latter one for right now... but if this strategy works for you, you can totally start gettin' fancy.)
Since you can reach orgasm through masturbation but not sex, mixing sex and masturbation might be a good middle-of-the-road activity for you -- it lets you focus on your pleasure while still being physically and emotionally with your husband, and eventually it may even train your body to more closely associate penetrative sex with orgasm."
- Nia
"Including masturbation in sex with your spouse is a great way to help you orgasm WITH them. I don't know what works best for you, but you can get a little creative with how to accomplish this. For some women, a helpful exercise that doesn't take too many gymnastics is for you to lay on your stomach and stimulate yourself with your hands, while your husband is behind you, either entering you vaginally, or just grinding against you, or just touching you. It might feel a little embarrassing to incorporate masturbation at first, especially since masturbation comes with so much shame in LDS culture. But this is now something you are sharing with your HUSBAND. You can also guide your husband's hands to help him know what kind of pressure and kind of touch you enjoy. Generally, this is something husbands are totally enthusiastic about, too."
- Eden
I will say that I have noticed that there's a lot of mental in my orgasms too and I'd guess that many women are the same way. I've had to start telling myself 'it's ok if I don't orgasm this time' and that helps take the pressure off myself to do it. The other thing I've found that helps is sometimes just sitting back and letting everything I'm feeling come over me, I get really concerned that if I'm not doing something he's not having a good time. And that's not always the case. If I make a conscious effort to really experience what I'm feeling it helps me get it of my head instead of being like 'oh this is nice and once I'm done I have to go to the grocery store...' Ya know? Good luck and happy experimenting!"
- C
"I'm sure you've tried several things but maybe a little extra foreplay and tongue action would help. Not all women orgasm during sex. Most women don't actually.
Try to let go of everything. Maybe try a massage to relax some and get you more in the mood. Vibrators do tend to help quite a bit but your body can get used to that."
- S
"Could it be that you feel self-conscious orgasming with someone else, or are mentally somewhere else when you're having sex? I've found that occasionally my thoughts will wander exactly like C mentioned: 'This feels nice... I need to remember to get the laundry started... uh-oh, I hope he's not bored because I'm just lying here enjoying things... ooh, that felt good... crap, I forgot to pick up my prescription... am I touching him the way he likes?...' and on and on. Even if your husband is perfect and you're turned on, it's still sometimes hard to corral the seventeen million thoughts going through your mind.
I've found that masturbating myself during sex sometimes helps with this. I know EXACTLY how I like to be touched -- not just generally, but specifically in that moment -- and masturbating gives me a task to focus on so my mind can't wander. It's relaxing, too, because it's ME, so I don't have to worry whether I'm touching myself in the way I'm craving or whether I'm having a good time, the way I sometimes do when pleasuring my husband. (Hi, anxiety! No one invited you!) Focusing on my pleasure and relaxing both make it much easier to orgasm... and my husband doesn't seem to mind, because 1) I'm having a grand old time, which he loves, and 2) with a little practice, you can kinda stimulate yourself AND your husband's penis inside you at the same time, which makes my husband craaaaazy. (I mean, don't worry about that latter one for right now... but if this strategy works for you, you can totally start gettin' fancy.)
Since you can reach orgasm through masturbation but not sex, mixing sex and masturbation might be a good middle-of-the-road activity for you -- it lets you focus on your pleasure while still being physically and emotionally with your husband, and eventually it may even train your body to more closely associate penetrative sex with orgasm."
- Nia
"Including masturbation in sex with your spouse is a great way to help you orgasm WITH them. I don't know what works best for you, but you can get a little creative with how to accomplish this. For some women, a helpful exercise that doesn't take too many gymnastics is for you to lay on your stomach and stimulate yourself with your hands, while your husband is behind you, either entering you vaginally, or just grinding against you, or just touching you. It might feel a little embarrassing to incorporate masturbation at first, especially since masturbation comes with so much shame in LDS culture. But this is now something you are sharing with your HUSBAND. You can also guide your husband's hands to help him know what kind of pressure and kind of touch you enjoy. Generally, this is something husbands are totally enthusiastic about, too."
- Eden