What Mormons Can Learn From Other Communities
By Eden
Mormons have a reputation for being pretty “vanilla.” Which makes sense for a lot of reasons…we wait to have sex until we’re married, we don’t have sex outside of marriage, and we don’t really do a lot of talking about sex in general. But on the other hand, the LDS Church has a pretty colorful history when it comes to marriage and relationships, so we of all people should be able to learn from people who live outside the vanilla world we usually inhabit.
With that in mind, here are a few ideas that Mormons can take from other lifestyles.
From the BDSM Community
BDSM stands for “Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism." There are plenty of safe internet spaces where you can learn more about this community (Psychology Today has a good article), but even if you’re not interested in any of the above, there’s one thing you can incorporate into your marriage: a vocabulary of consent.
Contrary to how it’s portrayed in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM communities put a major focus on safety and consent. Anyone involved in a BDSM “scene” agrees to what will occur beforehand, and incorporate “safe words” to use if they feel uncomfortable.
Here’s one of the best practices we’ve lifted from the BDSM world: the use of stoplight-based safe words. We like this system because it’s simple and clear, doesn’t take too long to say, and aren’t too much of a turn off. (While asking for consent is sexy, an uncertain “Is this okay?” can sometimes stop the mood. A sexy “green light, yeah?” keeps things going, but still keeps lines of communication open.)
“Green light” = “Yes, keep going!”
“Yellow light” = “Can we pause and address or adjust something?”
“Red light” = “Stop right now!”
From the polyamory community
Polyamory is the romantic and/or sexual practice of having more than one partner. It’s different from adultery in that everyone involved knows what’s going on and gives their consent. There are myriad ways people practice polyamory, and obviously, sexual or romantic relationships with others outside of marriage is a no-no for Mormons. But there are two ideas in the polyamory community that Mormons can incorporate into their own relationships.
Compersion
Compersion is a feeling of joy when a partner invests in or takes pleasure from another relationship. It’s kind of like the opposite of jealousy. And here’s how monogamous couples can take part—we can feel gratitude when our spouses do and find things that make them happy. Even if we are inclined to sometimes feel jealous. Compersion gives you a safe place to channel your energies if you’re feeling jealous of the extra time your spouse is giving to a hobby or friendship. Of course, you’ve got to make your thoughts and feelings known, which leads to the second idea:
Communication
Communication is absolutely KEY to polyamorous relationships. It takes plenty of energy to maintain a relationship with ONE person, so trying to do so with even more takes a lot of work and consideration. Polyamory forces people to have the level of communication all couples should have. What are you uncomfortable about? What threatens you? What do you need for yourself? How can your needs be met? Are your needs reasonable? Why do you feel the way you do? These are uncomfortable questions sometimes, but if polyamorists can handle it with multiple partners, you can probably handle it with your one partner.
From the LGBTQ community
The biggest lesson we can take from the LGBTQ community is this: sex is more than just penis plus vagina. In the queer community, there isn’t always a clear penis/vagina arrangement. So people find other ways to sexually satisfy one another without “standard heterosexual intercourse.” Even though most of the people reading this are in heterosexual LDS marriages, we can still learn something from finding sexual satisfaction outside of just intercourse. By focusing on one another’s pleasure, we may discover certain things that stimulate and satisfy us in addition to “the way we’ve always done it.” What if the intercourse isn’t the focus? What about other erogenous zones? What about taking time to explore different sensations? If we practice communication and patience, we may discover entire worlds of fulfillment.
Now go forth, have brave conversations, and find fulfillment!
With that in mind, here are a few ideas that Mormons can take from other lifestyles.
From the BDSM Community
BDSM stands for “Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism." There are plenty of safe internet spaces where you can learn more about this community (Psychology Today has a good article), but even if you’re not interested in any of the above, there’s one thing you can incorporate into your marriage: a vocabulary of consent.
Contrary to how it’s portrayed in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM communities put a major focus on safety and consent. Anyone involved in a BDSM “scene” agrees to what will occur beforehand, and incorporate “safe words” to use if they feel uncomfortable.
Here’s one of the best practices we’ve lifted from the BDSM world: the use of stoplight-based safe words. We like this system because it’s simple and clear, doesn’t take too long to say, and aren’t too much of a turn off. (While asking for consent is sexy, an uncertain “Is this okay?” can sometimes stop the mood. A sexy “green light, yeah?” keeps things going, but still keeps lines of communication open.)
“Green light” = “Yes, keep going!”
“Yellow light” = “Can we pause and address or adjust something?”
“Red light” = “Stop right now!”
From the polyamory community
Polyamory is the romantic and/or sexual practice of having more than one partner. It’s different from adultery in that everyone involved knows what’s going on and gives their consent. There are myriad ways people practice polyamory, and obviously, sexual or romantic relationships with others outside of marriage is a no-no for Mormons. But there are two ideas in the polyamory community that Mormons can incorporate into their own relationships.
Compersion
Compersion is a feeling of joy when a partner invests in or takes pleasure from another relationship. It’s kind of like the opposite of jealousy. And here’s how monogamous couples can take part—we can feel gratitude when our spouses do and find things that make them happy. Even if we are inclined to sometimes feel jealous. Compersion gives you a safe place to channel your energies if you’re feeling jealous of the extra time your spouse is giving to a hobby or friendship. Of course, you’ve got to make your thoughts and feelings known, which leads to the second idea:
Communication
Communication is absolutely KEY to polyamorous relationships. It takes plenty of energy to maintain a relationship with ONE person, so trying to do so with even more takes a lot of work and consideration. Polyamory forces people to have the level of communication all couples should have. What are you uncomfortable about? What threatens you? What do you need for yourself? How can your needs be met? Are your needs reasonable? Why do you feel the way you do? These are uncomfortable questions sometimes, but if polyamorists can handle it with multiple partners, you can probably handle it with your one partner.
From the LGBTQ community
The biggest lesson we can take from the LGBTQ community is this: sex is more than just penis plus vagina. In the queer community, there isn’t always a clear penis/vagina arrangement. So people find other ways to sexually satisfy one another without “standard heterosexual intercourse.” Even though most of the people reading this are in heterosexual LDS marriages, we can still learn something from finding sexual satisfaction outside of just intercourse. By focusing on one another’s pleasure, we may discover certain things that stimulate and satisfy us in addition to “the way we’ve always done it.” What if the intercourse isn’t the focus? What about other erogenous zones? What about taking time to explore different sensations? If we practice communication and patience, we may discover entire worlds of fulfillment.
Now go forth, have brave conversations, and find fulfillment!
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